Interview with Dr. Tsang Fan Kwong – to love with reason
Interview with Dr. Tsang Fan Kwong – to love with reason
Reading the paper, one can notice reports of love-related tragedies almost on a daily basis; victimizers are either depressed or frantic. Does love truly induce mental illness? What on earth determines the quality of our romances? Dr. Tsang Fan Kwong – psychiatrist who writes about relationship between sexes – elaborates on love from the perspective of medical science.
The quality of romance is related to our mental state
There exists a wealth of relationship conflicts that involve life-loss and violence, many of which are related to pathological jealousy. Victimizers, who are suspicious of their partners’ fidelity, have heaps of irrational thoughts and emotions. When the feeling of jealousy reaches the tipping point, they will perform actions that are detrimental to themselves and others, for instances, interrogating their partners endlessly or even forcing them, with armed weapons, to admit to committing imaginary problems. These behaviours, in Dr. Tsang’s opinion, are caused by the following issues: schizophrenia, delusional disorder, depression, alcoholic, personality disorder and erectile dysfunction.
“One of these incidents was undertaken by a man who had erectile dysfunction. Out of despair, he stalked his wife carrying a knife. He threatened to slap at any male whom she conversed intimately with. There was a woman who, intending to poison her husband, visited different doctors to collect a vast amount of sedatives. These behaviours occurred only after the person fell prey of illness. According to my long-lasting experiences, cases of mental illness induced by relationship between sexes are rare. As a matter of fact, patients are unaware of their mental states. When primary symptoms appear, they are unable to recognize them and therefore miss out the timing for seeking medical advice,” said Dr. Tsang. According to him, it is not love that does harm to our mental health. Rather, our mental state influences the possibility of having a relationship and its quality.
Relationship between genders requires coordination
The view to regard jealousy as reasonable may not be morbid but widespread. This is especially prevalent in a society that prioritizes personal gains and losses; even relationship and individuals are being commercialized. Dr. Tsang believes this is one of the causes of break-ups among people.
A majority of us spend a lot of effort on beautifying ourselves with make-ups and even plastic surgeries. We may also conceal certain aspects of our character. This is no different from branding and selling ourselves as products to the opposite sex and delivering an ingenuous message to them. Unless you cover your real self forever, he/she is bound to notice the “discrepancy”. Without adequate coordination, the relationship will end. The cycle of splitting up will stop only if you allow others to recognize your true colours by renouncing your cloak and being who you are again.
Positive non-interventionism is what Dr. Tsang suggested to those who are seeking love partners. Non-interventionism refers to ceasing the act of branding yourself and pleasing others; let everything flow naturally. And positiveness means expanding your social circle.
“Love relationship requires coordinating the personalities between two people. Most of us tend to choose life partners with traits different from ours. During an encounter, the attraction between two parties originates from biological markers including smell and sight. The former is known as pheromone; each kind of smell assigns a specific characteristic. The other amounts to face straits; there are about ten or so of them. Since the charisma between sexes does not involve conscious decision, there is little use to impress others no matter how hard you try. The deliberate act of luring him/her is not required. What really matters is to proactively expose yourself to a wider variety of people; only by then will you have better chance of meeting the right person in human world,” said Dr. Tsang.
The success of marriage is related to the upbringing
While our courtship is set off by biological marks, the duration of love affair hinges predominately on the upbringing offered by parents. Dr. Tsang maintains that the future marriage of a child is determined by his/her parents. It is the former generation who engenders the marriage of the next. “The genes of love can be triggered only when a person wants to attain it. Each activation can last three generations. As parents, if we want to create an ideal marriage for our offspring, we must stimulate their genes. The key for doing so is parental love. As parents, we should teach our children with appreciation, recognition, love and support, allowing them to develop acceptance and forgiveness. Mastering these critical interpersonal skills, they will naturally know how to resolve conflicts with their partners and possess the ability to love when they grow up,” concluded Dr. Tsang. The genes of love are seeds buried by parents. But love spurts vigorously only when we nurture our children with diligence. A healthy love relationship, according to Dr. Tsang, is characterized by the followings:
- Giving reasonable expectations to your partner
- Focus on treating your partner better instead of seeking his/her contribution only
- Respecting the true self of your partner; avoid reforming him/her according to your ideals
- Cultivate the habit of sharing sentiments
- Learn to manage your emotions and develop sufficient acceptance and reconciliation for handling conflicts