The handbook of self-control for parents – when your child’s behaviour deviates (3)
Discover the needs behind children’s behaviour in hindsight
It is inevitable for parents to have thoughts and feelings provoked when they are teaching their children. At times, they may wonder why their children do certain things or have doubts about their own capacity. After the family interaction, these inner conflict should be dealt with and prevented from becoming future burden. The problematic behaviour of a child may be an outcome of his/her unfulfilled inner needs. For instances, the reluctance to accept criticism may be due to a sense of lacking accomplishment and inferiority. Such demands cannot be addressed easily when the child is throwing a tantrum. However, reviewing the incident together, parents and children could help each other to conclude their experiences. Suggested by our clinical psychologist, parents could allot time during their daily life to contemplate on their children’s needs, which is beneficial for reducing their problematic behaviours and debunking the misconception that such deeds are an attempt to challenge their parents
Furthermore, parents may occasionally have unrealistic demands about their children and themselves. Because of their affection for their offspring, parents may overreact and believe minor issues are conducive to life-long ramifications. Therefore, they become deeply nervous at every instance of parenting. As a matter of fact, both parents and children are learning from life; they master their lessons through setbacks. If we want to learn, we have to accept our possible faults. By confronting and reflecting on them, we reorganize our experiences. Both parents and children are learning and growing together; mistakes are unavoidable during the process but they offer a teaching. Accompanying our children growth, we don’t always have to expect perfection but progress for everyone. By this we can substantially relieve our emotional burden.
So when is the best moment for dealing with emotions? During routine life, parents should be aware of and perceptive to their emotions. Emotional management begins with awareness. First, learn to be sensitive to your emotions. How are they when you are feeling upset, angry and stressful? How do your expression, languages, body and muscles react? Are they tensed or tired? Being aware of your emotional states paves the first step towards controlling them.